I have recently been reading 'The Courage to Be Disliked' by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, which has made me think....
Since taking up Mindfulness I have developed my understanding of the thought 'We're all Different'.
I know that this has always been in the back of my mind, but I have thinking, more, of what this really means. We all have a role to play, whatever that role is. Status doesn't matter - it's subjective - it's all about what you think of yourself.
For example, if you feel inferior, it's because other people think so and try and project it on to you - it's up to you to think "What do I think of this?" Are people with expensive cars really more important? Should it matter to your self worth if you're a nurse and not a Consultant? Are you worth less if you have brains and not beauty (or neither)?
Image by Wokandapixel from Pixabay
Increasingly I have been using the phrase 'We're all different' - to friends, family and also my team at work. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, and without each of us the world wouldn't turn. In my team, without each individual, we wouldn't have the right skill set mix and we wouldn't be able to operate.
We're all different.
Image by Bob Dmyt from Pixabay
If you take this a step further, I can apply this further within my work environment. The Directors and my bosses are not superior, with more status, but have worked for longer/harder, or posses skill sets that are needed for that role. They deserve respect, but increasingly I am of the opinion that they are not better than me - only different.
The same goes for those who are more beautiful, accomplished, friendlier and more talented than me. I respect their talents and encourage them and are happy for them in their achievements. However, they're not me, and I am enough (see my Facebook post on my thoughts on this phrase www.facebook.com/beingewe).
Image by Georg Hirmer from Pixabay
It may very well be that age has a large part to play in this philosohy - I write this on my birthday, so I am acutely aware of my aging! However, my mindfulness practice and my studies into what makes people tick, have crystallised these thoughts.
They're not perfect, and I continue to hone them, and remind myself of them on bad days when I fall into the old bad habits.
The book, 'The Courage to Be Disliked', seemed, at first, to be a well reviewed self help book. But no! It is more a discourse on the psychology of Adler, a contemporary of Freud.
Where Freud deemed that all the problems you may have stem from your past experiences/trauma (and, it always seems to me, that you're doomed!) Adler says that, rather than looking back, look forward - it doesn't matter what has happened to you in the past, you have the tools within you to overcome these and look forward.
There's more to the psychology and philosphy of Adler than this, but it is this element that most spoke to me, and has resonance with my study of mindfulness and NLP (neuro linguistic programming). I don't know much about the history of these, and it may be that one is derived from the other - something I will, at some point, hopefully, discover.
Adler believed that we should all form 'horizontal relationships' and not 'vertical relationships'. That is, not the hierarchical, vertical relationships of superior/inferior, but a more horizontal relationship of equals - Equal but not the Same. We all have our strengths and part to play in the world.
Adler went a few steps further, and made some controversial claims that I know (from reading reviews of this book) others find difficult.
He says that we shouldn't praise people or rebuke them - that these are symptoms of vertical relationships. When you praise someone you are being condescending and creating a vertical relationship, despite any good intentions.
In addition to this, if you praise someone, you are trying to mould that person into what you think is right or wrong, good or bad - according to your own values and beliefs. (As we know from NLP, we all have our own unique and different mental maps of what the works looks like.) I consider this, as I think about the times that I praise the members of my team. Yes, when I praise them I am implying, albeit with good intentions, that I am their superior and know more than them. I do know more than them, but perhaps I need to consider more the 'superior' element.
What should we do instead?
Adler says - treat everyone equally, don't judge them but treat them with gratitude, respect and joy. Thank them.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
This reminds me of my mother who, at exam time in my teens, told me that she would never reward me financially for good performance, as I should be studying and trying hard for my own sake. I will always thank her for this unbenownst Adlerian edict, which has seen me in good stead in my life. However, I'm not sure I'm ready to tell her I see her as an equal....! (Love you, Mom!)
Image by Oberholster Venita from Pixabay
(Author's note - the opinions and the interpretations (or any misinterpretations) above are mine
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